Oh Thomas - the doubter

I so identify with the disciple Thomas. Is it because we are both twins? Is it the doubting? The questioning? I don't know what it is but I am right there with him. "My Lord and My God........."


Everyone but me,
where was I?
that I should miss this grace?
My grief,
I could not be consoled by the others
it drove me to the streets
to the edge of the city
to the temple
to find my twin for understanding
hoping for a sign.

What did Jesus say?
What did Jesus promise?
Healing so many and yet this has to be so.
I feel a little betrayed - YOU promised.
Maybe Judas understood more than me, more than the others.
Are we wrong?

I couldn't stand there at the cross,
to watch as my hope was destroyed.
I shrank into a corner of deep despair and heard your words
"My God.. My God,, why have you forsaken me..."
"It is finished"

How can I trust, how can I believe?
The others say they have seen you.
"Peace," they say. "He is alive."
I merge from the shadow and seek the proof I desire
They scorn me for that - but did they always believe? Or did they need to see?
Why is more asked of me?
I need to see--no, I need to touch
I need to hear your voice again
speaking to me---to ME.

They call me the doubter, ME
but didn't they all doubt at some point?
Peter on water? Philip with the loaves
counting away wondering how all can be fed.

God I've made mistakes, too many mistakes
and if it is true all I can count on is your forgiveness
"My Lord and My God"